One step forward, two steps back...

Its just one of those days again... Tomorrow would have been Mike's 30th birthday. So I have invited all of his friends over for some of his favorite things (cake, pizza, rockband, etc). I think it will do me some good and force me to pull myself together. And I know it is what Mike would have wanted. I just can't believe that he died before he even turned 30! I thought we had more time. I mean, I knew he had a heart condition and the odds were that he would not live to be 90. But I really thought that he had more time. He was in the process of getting an ICD implanted. That was supposed to keep him from dropping dead on me. It wasn't supposed to end like this. Not two days before his final appointment.

Today is turning out to be really rough for me. I went to the zoo with a friend and her two little ones. I thought it would cheer me up, but instead I left feeling worse. It made me so sad to see the happy families there with their kids. Mike and I wanted children, we just ran out of time. He would have been such a fun dad. One of my biggest dreams in life is to be a mother. However, I have fertility issues. Mike and I tried for years and I had a few miscarriages. We had all intentions of adopting very soon.

Sure, there is always a chance that I will meet a man down the road and start a family with him. But the odds of that happening are not too realistic. The ironic thing is that since Mike died I have been losing weight, and with my PCOS, if I can manage to get the weight off, the odds of conceiving and carrying a baby full term are much higher. But unfortunately, with PCOS conceiving after 35 is usually not easy. I would have to actually meet said man, date said man, get engaged to said man, marry said man, and then eventually start a family. And well, I don't see that happening all in the next 5 years. It seems that everyone around me has kids, is pregnant, or is getting ready to start a family. And here I am all alone, back at the beginning.

So I guess today I am not only mourning the loss of my husband, but also of the life we had planned. I know that I have to be strong. But that is so much easier said than done these days...