Overwhelmed...

I can't do this all on my own.
I am far too broken.
Everything is so overwhelming...

No matter how hard I try I cannot get back finding any type of normalcy. I try to go out and do something and I physically just cannot do it. Emotionally, I am a walking on a landmine field, and with every step another bomb goes off sending me into a fury of emotions. I can't seem to accomplish any of the tasks at hand. I am falling apart, my home is falling apart, my life is falling apart. Even the mundane everyday tasks of my life seem to be too much for me to handle.

Michael and I were the type of couple to drop everything if someone needed help. Yet, in my time of need I am unable to ask for help. It is not in my nature. I wish it were different, but it is who I am. Everyone has told me, "if you need anything call". Obviously, I am not going to call. I shouldn't have to call. My husband is dead, my world is shattered... You would think that those close to me would realize I am going to need help.

It seems very few people have been able to look past themselves and their own needs the way Mike and I always had for them. It feels as if I am just an afterthought. It is only after their needs have been fulfilled and the time is convenient for them that maybe, if I am lucky they just might think about me and if I need some help. It makes me feel so sad. So angry. So alone.

Attempt at normalcy...FAILED!

I decided to go out to a comedy club with a friend. It was my first real social outing since Mike died. After about 2 hours into the night things went bad. I got nauseous, overly hot, my neck and shoulders started aching, and I was on the verge of passing out. My ears were ringing, I was having a hard time speaking, and tunnel vision was starting. Luckily, I was able to get myself somewhere cold and I concentrated on breathing and it passed. I think perhaps it was a mix of my blood pressure meds, some anxiety, and the bad food at the club.

I just want nothing more than to have one normal day. One day where I can just be Jess, not Jess Rodak the 29 year old widow who's husband died in her bedroom. Is it too much to ask for one day where I can forget my troubles and just enjoy myself?

Two Weeks...

It's been two weeks since Mike has been gone. Thanks to Ativan I am finally able to get through the day without the horrible anxiety attacks. Perhaps now I can begin to face some of those important tasks at hand without having a nervous breakdown. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to drive because my blood pressure is dangerously elevated due to the anxiety. Hopefully the meds will kick in soon...

I am finally finding that the days are getting easier as opposed to harder. I am even sometimes able to look at a picture of Mike and not bawl my eyes out. I am beginning to see that I still have a future ahead of me and even though Mike is gone, he will be a large part of my future in many ways. I have begun reading, and finding a lot of comfort in a few books on widowhood, grieving, and moving on after the loss of a loved one.

I have managed to start sorting through Michael's clothing. I am finding that I am keeping quite a bit more than I thought I would. There are so many shirts that have sentimental value. However, I am finding that it is quite easy to look at a shirt and know which friend he would want me to give it to as well. It is a good thing the man had a million shirts!

I am so thankful for my friends. No matter where in the world they are or how long it has been since we last spoke, they are present in my life sending encouragement. It is times like these you truly learn who your "real" friends are. I am especially thankful for my Kate. She is not only helping me to get through the end of this chapter, but she is also providing a way for me to look forward to the beginning of my new chapter.