Finding Control.

A fellow widower posted this and I thought it was a great topic to blog about:

I'd like to share what the pastor Charles Swindoll wrote :

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
It is more important that the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.
The remarkable thing is - we have a choice every day of our lives regarding the attitude we embrace for that day.
We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.

I’m convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you.
We have choices within our attitudes.

I am loving this! I am the type of person who believes that what is meant to be is meant to be. Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes this belief leaves me feeling helpless. But to think that life is not about what happens, but instead how I choose to react to it, that brings a new found hope that everything is not totally pre-destined and I just might have a little more control than I previously thought I did.

Another stage reached...

This week I hit the anger stage. It is such a strange feeling. I have been so very zen till now. I am not the type to feel anger. But recently I have been angry that Mike left me to clean up this mess. I know that if he had the choice he would not have left me. And I realize that "his" mess is my mess because he was my husband. But I just wish that things were different. I wish that I would have known then what I know now. Things could have been a bit easier now, if only I pushed. I wish we would have communicated better. I wish that I was a more "controlling" wife. I have so many regrets that go along with my anger. There are so many things I could have done differently. But then I have to wonder, if I were not the type of wife that I was, would my marriage have even lasted? Ultimately, I guess what it comes down to is that this mess it totally worth the time we shared together. But I cannot help but feel alone and overwhelmed...

I loved my husband more than anything in this world. And I know that he loved me with all of his heart. He was a wonderful man. He was kind, loving, generous, and had a zest for life like no other I have ever met. He provided me a charmed life, there is no doubt. But now that I am here all alone and scared to death, I can't help but look back and think about everything I wish I would have done differently. But in the end, it is what it is, and there is no point to what ifs because I can't go back in time. This is my life.