Not all shoes are the same.

One of the things that really has been bothering me lately, is people whom I am sure mean well, trying to tell me how I should be reacting or feeling. Unless someone has experienced watching their spouse drop dead in front of them, no matter how much they try to relate (be it an illness, the death of a family member, or a divorce) they cannot fully understand exactly what I am going through. Just as I cannot fully understand what they went through. I realize that it is only human nature to try and relate one's tragic experiences to that of another in hopes of making a connection. But ultimately everyone's experience is different, and everyone handles things in their own time and in their own way. What works for one person may have no meaning whatsoever for another.

It's sure as hell not the Hokey Pokey!

I lost my best friend in the entire world. I lost the only person in my life who loved me unconditionally. I lost the one person who made me feel safe. The only person I could count on no matter what.

It is not about living comfortably at all, I could care less if I am poor. It is about watching the other half of you die on your bedroom floor and reliving it multiple times a day. It is about the loneliness, sadness, and sheer terror.

It is about losing control of everything. Knowing that at any moment I am on the verge of mentally and emotionally breaking down to the point of needing hospitalization.

Its about being overwhelmed. I can barely take care of my own basic needs (I set alarms to remember to eat, drink, and even use the bathroom). And somehow people think I am supposed to be able to pull it together, be an adult, and take care of all the estate bullshit? I am sorry but I am just not capable right now. I am not being dramatic, and I am not over-reacting. This is my reality.

Maybe it is that people are used to me being the strong one? Or perhaps they just do not want to let themselves see how badly I am really doing? I am a f*cking mess! And it seems that no one really notices. Everyone tells me I will get through this, and sure I will one way or another... But right now I am drowning in water that just keeps getting deeper and deeper. Until the water level recedes there is no way to get any oxygen. Just thinking about the oxygen at the surface will not sustain me... I need to actually breathe!

Downward Spiral

My life is so out of control. It feels as if I am chained to a Tilt-a-Whirl type ride that wont stop. I am unable to accomplish anything that has to do with Mike's death. I just cannot face it. I cannot deal with all the legalities, paperwork, and phone calls. The thought of even making a phone call and looking at paperwork sends me into a panic attack. I just keep distracting myself to save my sanity. I am so close to breaking right now.

The thought of death is so welcoming. Every night as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, I pray that I wont wake up. Every headache I get comes with the hopes that I have an aneurysm. I just want to be done. I don't want to deal with this anymore. There is no way that I would ever harm myself, because no matter what one believes, I really think that there has to repercussions for terminating one's life before it is their time. I may think that my life is horrible now, but the fear of an even more terrifying eternity keeps me from doing anything stupid.

I would love to go into a coma for a year and let everyone else take care of all this bullshit for me. I just can't do this. I cannot deal with my life. I need a fresh start. I am not strong enough to get through this.

I was coping so well, till I found out how much I am going to lose. Haven't I lost enough already? I am such a mess and it seems that no one really gets how screwed up in the head I really am right now. Everyone is treating me like the level-headed competent woman I used to me. I wish they would realize that I am nothing more than a scared child who can not come out from under her blankets and face the world. I am totally incapable of managing my own affairs right now.

Hell, the only thing I am capable of is distracting myself, crying, and having anxiety attacks...

Something has got to give!

Everyday is a struggle and harder than the last it seems. I just want to move on with my life, but I am stuck here in limbo. Just when I think things can't possibly get any worse and they have to start looking up, they find a way to get worse.

It looks as if I am going to lose everything Mike and I had. I cannot believe that before my 30th birthday my entire life is being taken away. I am going to have to start over from scratch all alone. I will have nothing. I just don't understand why I have to go through all this. When will it be enough, how much more till I have paid my toll?

I understand that it was Mike's time to go. But why could it not have been just 2 hours later and not at home leaving me alone and helpless preforming CPR waiting for the paramedics knowing that is was just in vain. Why couldn't I have just been able to give him a kiss goodbye, tell him that I love him, and then get a call that he had died? I could cope with the loss, as hard as it is, I know I could do it. But the flashbacks of his death haunt me. The look of fear in his eyes as he realized he was dying and knowing that there was nothing I could do, the taste of his blood in my mouth and the burn of my arms as I performed CPR, seeing him lying there dead with the same look of terror in his eyes, these are things that I cannot shake.

Grief, PTSD, and anxiety seem to rule my life. And just when I think I am getting a handle on one of these factors, something happens to trigger another. The grief, that is manageable. The PTSD is debilitating, it causes my anxiety to sky-rocket. I cannot function as a productive member of society. I zone out for hours on end when left to my own devices and the anxiety attacks are paralyzing.

I just wish there was a restart button on my life...