This week I hit the anger stage. It is such a strange feeling. I have been so very zen till now. I am not the type to feel anger. But recently I have been angry that Mike left me to clean up this mess. I know that if he had the choice he would not have left me. And I realize that "his" mess is my mess because he was my husband. But I just wish that things were different. I wish that I would have known then what I know now. Things could have been a bit easier now, if only I pushed. I wish we would have communicated better. I wish that I was a more "controlling" wife. I have so many regrets that go along with my anger. There are so many things I could have done differently. But then I have to wonder, if I were not the type of wife that I was, would my marriage have even lasted? Ultimately, I guess what it comes down to is that this mess it totally worth the time we shared together. But I cannot help but feel alone and overwhelmed...
I loved my husband more than anything in this world. And I know that he loved me with all of his heart. He was a wonderful man. He was kind, loving, generous, and had a zest for life like no other I have ever met. He provided me a charmed life, there is no doubt. But now that I am here all alone and scared to death, I can't help but look back and think about everything I wish I would have done differently. But in the end, it is what it is, and there is no point to what ifs because I can't go back in time. This is my life.
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Jess,
ReplyDeleteI lost my husband recently (and suddenly)also, and have struggled with regrets - not guilt, just the many things I wished I had done differently. The other day I was at the cemetery talking to him out loud about all the things I was sorry for, when it hit me that he might have regrets too! I started thinking about what he would feel sorry for, and as I went through "his" list, there was not one thing that bothered me or that I wished he had done differently. Somehow this really helped me let go of the regrets I had - not completely but mostly. I don't know if you have thought about this or if it helps you, but I thought I would share.
Wow, you know I never thought about regrets he might have! That is the best insight I have gotten in quite a while. Never once did I think about things he may wish he did differently when looking back at our life together. You really have no idea how much you have helped me! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
WOW...that never occurred to me either! Thanks for posting that...something to think about!
ReplyDeleteLynette
Wow! Thank you for that profound and helpful point of view. It does give us something to think about!
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