Lately I really feel as if I am losing any sanity I had left.
Some days I am doing so well. I am happy and hopeful for the future. Other days I lay in bed with tears streaming down my face praying for death's warm embrace.
Some days I want nothing more than to stay home in my jammies surrounded by things that remind me of Mike. Other days I feel as if I will crawl out of my skin if I don't find a way to distance myself from the memories.
Some days I want to be surrounded by friends. Other days I cannot even manage to pick up the phone, or answer the door.
Some days I am so full of energy nothing can stop me. Other days I can barely hold my head up.
Life is such a roller coaster since Mike died. Every time I think I start to get used to the loops, hills, and turns the track changes again. I just want to get off this ride already! I really feel like I am going crazy. I know that it is just a natural part of the grieving process, but it does not mean that I have to like it!
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Jess
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. It will soon be one year for me. I don't even know who I am, what I feel. I have been shutting down the last few weeks. Just don't want to feel the pain anymore. I noticed you have listed you live near Erie PA. I live in Youngstown Ohio...about an hour and 45 minutes from you. I keep trying to find other "young" widows around me, and feel like I am some alien on a strange planet...and I'm not even as young as you (I'm now 42) It makes me feel even worse thinking I'm the only woman around my area that is a widow at 42....not that I want anyone else to have to experience this, but it is so isolating when no one else is around that understands. Just want to let you know, I so know what you are feeling. I wish there was something I could do to make all this better..for all of us.
((hugs)) I understand Jess, nothing really makes any sense anymore.
ReplyDeletewe have all now found out that there is nothing certain in our worlds, and our worst fear has been realized. I'm amazed that we are all breathing, let alone that we haven't lost our sanity HUGS
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling the same way right now. I have been in this valley for about a week now. I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, or answer the phones right now. I've been sleeping a lot and just don't like the fact that the world keeps spinning. I've gotten pretty good at faking a smile and doing things that I don't want to do just so no one worries about me but I hate it. I keep myself from showing any type of sad emotion in front of anyone so I don't have to explain the way I'm feeling to anyone. I'm even mad at Richard, still. After 5 months of him being gone shouldn't this have passed? =[
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you wrote this. My freaked out self can't make up her mind whether she's cracking or healing. And the swings between the two become more dramatic. It is bizarre and it feels like I need to step outside my skin, turn around and stare at the freak show just to see what it looks like from the outside. Get a grip, I want to say to myself. Is this normal?
ReplyDeleteYes, and I know that now thanks to you.