My life is so out of control. It feels as if I am chained to a Tilt-a-Whirl type ride that wont stop. I am unable to accomplish anything that has to do with Mike's death. I just cannot face it. I cannot deal with all the legalities, paperwork, and phone calls. The thought of even making a phone call and looking at paperwork sends me into a panic attack. I just keep distracting myself to save my sanity. I am so close to breaking right now.
The thought of death is so welcoming. Every night as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, I pray that I wont wake up. Every headache I get comes with the hopes that I have an aneurysm. I just want to be done. I don't want to deal with this anymore. There is no way that I would ever harm myself, because no matter what one believes, I really think that there has to repercussions for terminating one's life before it is their time. I may think that my life is horrible now, but the fear of an even more terrifying eternity keeps me from doing anything stupid.
I would love to go into a coma for a year and let everyone else take care of all this bullshit for me. I just can't do this. I cannot deal with my life. I need a fresh start. I am not strong enough to get through this.
I was coping so well, till I found out how much I am going to lose. Haven't I lost enough already? I am such a mess and it seems that no one really gets how screwed up in the head I really am right now. Everyone is treating me like the level-headed competent woman I used to me. I wish they would realize that I am nothing more than a scared child who can not come out from under her blankets and face the world. I am totally incapable of managing my own affairs right now.
Hell, the only thing I am capable of is distracting myself, crying, and having anxiety attacks...
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I often have those same wishes.. and I have thought about not wanting to wake up. I feel the same way you do about not doing something to ourselves because I don't want to be condemned in a much more horrible place than we are right now. I've put much thought into it, but I would never admit that to my parents. I can't do anything to myself because they love me too much, and I know it would hurt them too much if they lost me. If it weren't for them and my babies I'd be completely gone. I feel so lost, like my whole world has been kicked out from under neath me. I'm supposed to call people and let them know he's passed, stay up to date with everything but the thought of calling people and telling them my husband is gone, just is too much to handle right now. My mom is the one, and I thank God for her, that's been handling things such as the thank you cards. I couldn't bring myself to thank people for being there for me and giving us beautiful things because my husband passed. I know it's what you do, but I can't believe that I'm having to be put in this situation at all. Terrible, huh? Seems selfish to me..
ReplyDeleteI've been having these moments where I feel like I'm going to crawl right out of my skin, if I had money I'd go to the doctor and find out if it's anxiety or something.. All I can do is curl up in a ball and sing the alphabet and sing myself to sleep or it becomes completely unbearable. Is that what anxiety is like, or am I just nuts?
The only way I get to sleep at night is by singing the alphabet, because if I don't I have too many thoughts running through my head. By the time I get to Z, I think I'm out of it because I don't remember singing it more than once.. but that's with the help of a lot of tylenol pm.
I don't know if I told you, I went back to work yesterday and couldn't do it. I thought I was a wuss, couldn't even stand a couple hours of work. But you know, we're a lot stronger than we're giving each other credit for because we're still here.. trying to get through each day even when we don't see our lives getting any better in the future, or even see us having a future. We're not trying to take the easy way out like a lot of my husbands family are doing right now. They can't even remember that he's gone. But we're trudging along with all the reminders and going through these crappy days like they would want us to. They wouldn't want us to give up and give in. I wish I could take those memories away from you.. I wish I could be there for you. I know just seeing my husband after he had died with the tubes down his throat and the machines all hooked up to him and his tongue all shriveled up is something I wish I hadn't ever seen but I thought I would get closure if I saw him. I thought that was the last time I was going to get to see him, I had forgotten about the funeral, actually it had never dawned on me until later that I would get to see him again. Now I find myself grasping to whatever I can of him like home made videos just to get those visions out of my mind.
Sorry for writing a book. I read your blog below, I hadn't read it before and I agree.. there's a reason why we're going through this, it wasn't all in vain. There's a reason, we may not ever know or we may find out in a few years or years down the road. They were here for a reason and even if that reason was just to bless us with the love we got to share for the short time they were with us and even maybe just knowing two of the best people in the world. I am glad that we 'met' a few years ago when I lost my Kali baby, if it hadn't been for her I never would have joined Chi World to ask help for her babies.. I wouldn't be able to go through this with someone who can relate to everything I'm going through. It's ironic to me on how things seem to find a way.