I lost my best friend in the entire world. I lost the only person in my life who loved me unconditionally. I lost the one person who made me feel safe. The only person I could count on no matter what.
It is not about living comfortably at all, I could care less if I am poor. It is about watching the other half of you die on your bedroom floor and reliving it multiple times a day. It is about the loneliness, sadness, and sheer terror.
It is about losing control of everything. Knowing that at any moment I am on the verge of mentally and emotionally breaking down to the point of needing hospitalization.
Its about being overwhelmed. I can barely take care of my own basic needs (I set alarms to remember to eat, drink, and even use the bathroom). And somehow people think I am supposed to be able to pull it together, be an adult, and take care of all the estate bullshit? I am sorry but I am just not capable right now. I am not being dramatic, and I am not over-reacting. This is my reality.
Maybe it is that people are used to me being the strong one? Or perhaps they just do not want to let themselves see how badly I am really doing? I am a f*cking mess! And it seems that no one really notices. Everyone tells me I will get through this, and sure I will one way or another... But right now I am drowning in water that just keeps getting deeper and deeper. Until the water level recedes there is no way to get any oxygen. Just thinking about the oxygen at the surface will not sustain me... I need to actually breathe!
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Jessica, I understand this. I really do. No one is trying to minimize what you've been through.
ReplyDeleteYOU are the one talking about losing everything. All I'm telling you is it's not as bad as you think it is. I know it's only been a couple of months, but you are going to have to sink or swim.
xoxoxox
Kim
I don't know how to say what I want to say the right way.. but you're right. There's no longer a sense of control with anything anymore. The things that used to interest me no longer do. Just like Jess is doing right now, I'm going through the motions of the day to day crap. Our lives just hit rock bottom, it is bad. We are living the worst nightmare of our lives. This was my biggest fear, for the past few months I had no clue what my husband was doing or where he was, or if he was even safe. To get the phone call that my husband was gone, caused everything in me to break. I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to go on with my life when I no longer see a future. When I look towards my future it's a black hole. I'm sorry Jess, I'm trying to figure out how to explain how I'm feeling so some understand, without saying exactly how you're feeling because I can't say I know exactly how you're feeling. I didn't watch my husband take his last breath, mine was already gone when I got to him. I can only imagine how hard it was to go through that with him, I have nightmares from just seeing mine hooked up to machines and a tube down his throat.
ReplyDeletePeople deal with things at a different pace, keep blogging and get everything out there. I know I feel much better when I do. It's like a release of so many emotions.
Jess, one of our fellow widow babes wrote that it was like having our heart ICU and I liked that analogy.
ReplyDeleteOur worlds have been shattered, our love has been ripped from us, our best friend, soul mate, go to guy has gone as has our entire life plan, the blueprint according to which we lived our lives.
I am in the fortunate position that I do not have financial worries, I am taken care of, not well, but I will not be loosing any more than I already have. And I am a mess, I sometimes remember to shower and sometimes don't, I sometimes remember to eat and I sometimes don't, I struggle to get my arse out the door. I socialised outside of my home for the first time in 3 months last week.
So by all accounts Jess, you are on the right path, and none of us are doing well, I hate it when people tell me that, it means that they are not really seeing me and my pain, or maybe they just can't bear to acknowledge it, so they put on their "pretend" faces, it makes them feel better.
I am wishing you peace, and I am wishing you some breathing space and I wish you courage to wake up each day and to go to bed each night and to accept what a huge accomplishment it is, just to get through the day.
I currently have 2 goals, to get out of bed and to do myself no harm. Anything more than that, is a bonus. And I am a little further out than you.
Thinking of you and wishing I was closer so that I could give you and oxygen tank.
Wendy
Thanks Wendy and Kandice! It is great to know that you guys "get it".
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