Another sleepless night. Thoughts running through my head. I wish there were a way for me to explain what I am feeling where people could actually "get it". I realize that I am different. That I do not have the same thought processes as most people. I know that no matter how hard I try no one will truly get why I do the things I do, or say the things I say.
I have experienced a lot in my 29 years on this earth. And I think it is because of how much I have experienced that I am "different". When I feel something I experience raw emotion. I feel it with my whole being, it hits me hard like a tsunami. There is no warning and the wave is all consuming. If I am strong enough to get through the flood the water will recede and the reconstruction must begin. Unfortunately, my life has been one series of unfortunate events after another. If I dwell on the past I will never get to experience the joys of the present because the future always seems to hold more heartache.
Mike got it. He was the one person on this earth who understood me. There is no doubt that he was my soulmate. And now that he is gone I almost feel like an alien. Our relationship may have seemed odd to most people. But it made sense to us! We were happy and loved each other, and that is all that matters in the end. He got me, and I got him. And that is really what true love it all about!
So here I am alone to pick up the pieces after his death. I feel as if I am being judged. It seems that when I was feeling weak, it was too weak and people thought I was over-reacting. And now that I am feeling stronger, people think I am moving forward too quickly and that I am not fully letting myself grieve.
I just wish that people could understand me the way Mike did. I wish that there was a way for them to see what Mike saw. I wish they could understand that though I may not make any sense to them, my grieving process makes total sense to me and to the one I am grieving. In my heart I know that Mike still gets it and he is with me every step of the way. And in the end I guess that is all that really matters.
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I got your site from the ywbb boards. I feel much like you. You hit the nail on the head when you said, "And now that I am feeling stronger, people think I am moving forward too quickly and that I am not fully letting myself grieve." People say I'm so strong, but I don't feel strong. I get up in the morning for my kids, not for me. They are the ones that keep me going. Hand in there and together we can get through this.
ReplyDeleteJess, I too, read your blog regularly and have seen you on the YWBB. I feel very similar to you and am surprised at how well we are doing. It's amazing to me how quickly we fell into a new "normal". I admire you for your honesty and feel you say what others are thinking and are afraid to say.
ReplyDeleteBottom line... you can't please everyone. You will either not wait long enough, or wait too long. It will NEVER look the way others think it should. Don't let others' judgements alter your feelings. Hang in there!!
Jess, your grief, your time, your way!
ReplyDeleteJessica, I know you don't want advice from me so I won't give any. But I AM going to respond to you.
ReplyDeleteWhat concerns me the most is that you don't seem to be grieving for Michael at all. From the time I walked into the hospital until this very moment I have not heard you once say "Poor MIKE" or "How could this happen to MIKE." It's been a whole lot of "poor ME" and "how could this happen to ME."
Yeah, as Mike's family, it bothers Rick and I a LOT that you have crowned yourself the queen of pain having suffered more than anyone else and that you diminish the value of others sharing their pain and experience as annoyances. Not one "thank you", not one "I appreciate that." That's very demeaning to others and turning Michael's tragic death into a pissing contest.
It also bothers us a lot that you are embellishing the truth quite a bit. We've known for years that you were scamming us about money but let it go because you guys were eventually going to to have to pay the piper. But when you broadcast over the world wide web that you're going to lose everything you and Mike "worked" so hard for, and innocent, hard-working people are offering to throw you a benefit, it's just too much.
I suspect folks are catching on since you also post about your days at the beach and your nights out partying. Someone who is about to lose everything would surely be looking for a job. If people knew the truth about your financial situation they would be very very shocked. I could say a WHOLE lot more on the subject of you and lying, but it'll all catch up with you eventually. That's God's work, not mine.
As for people judging you, everybody judges. If you think otherwise you're fantasizing. And you yourself are extremely smug and self-righteous.
You know, we mourn Mike's passing too. No, it's not the same as losing your husband, but we have many many regrets and questions and very much wanted to be close to you. It's painfully clear that's going to be impossible. We wanted nothing more than to help you get through this, but we just can't handle this sense of self-entitlement that you thrive on.
I "get" that you lost your husband. I "get" that you lost your mother. I "get" that you feel you are somehow different. Do YOU NOT "get" that Mike lost his life? Do you NOT "get" that everything you portray over the internet is free to the public? Do you NOT "get" that your constant harping on the fact that at the age of 29 you've been through more than anyone else sounds like the rantings of a 15-year-old?
Please make arrangements to get the vette out of our garage by the end of the week or it will be towed.
I wish you luck, I wish you peace, and more than anything I wish you the wisdom to change your ways.
Goodbye. Kim Wagner
Mike's money was Mike's money. I had no say over it, and he sure as heck knew how to spend it. My financial situation is very grim. I am not trying to pull one over on anyone. And I have indeed put in plenty of applications and resumes. I can sit home and be miserable or I can go out and try to keep myself occupied...
ReplyDeleteHi Jess,
ReplyDeleteIt's Cindy out in California. I was very sorry to hear about your loss. I knew Michael when he was little, and Chris and I were very sorry to hear about his passing.
I've been following your blog, figuring there's probably nothing I can say to make this suck any less at all. It sounds like you're having a lot of stress from finances. It sounds like you're in a bad spot. How it happened doesn't really matter, since it doesn't change the fixing process.
Personal finance is a big interest of mine, and I have some experience digging out of debt. If you need a second pair of eyes to look at numbers, I might be able to be helpful. It's easy math, and the numbers can point where you go. It will be hard, but once there's a plan, the uncertainty and anxiety are gone. Things might not be as bad as you think once you figure out what's in whose name, and who can do what if you have trouble paying.
If you want to talk, could you grab my email or number from Kate? (Public forum.)
Sincerely,
Cindy