Stumbling through...

I feel like half of me died on the bedroom floor with Mike that day. Without him I am no longer whole. I am half human, stumbling through life barely living. Sitting here in our home, everything reminds me of our life together. Instead of finding comfort in his belongings, I find nothing but pain and sorrow. They are cruel reminders that I will never see his smile or feel his touch. I find joy in my memories of him and our time together, but sitting here in his home, the home where he grew up and our first house together as husband and wife, is almost too much right now. If it were not for all of our dogs, I fear that I would just run away from the pain. But I have too many responsibilities keeping me here.

Speaking of the dogs… We have a house full. I breed Chihuahuas and we owned 8 of them together along with 2 German Shepherds. Yes, that is 10 dogs total! 10 dogs to frantically run around the house crying, searching for Mike on a daily basis. They are so confused. Watching the door at night when he would have been due to come home, sitting under his computer desk waiting for him to come check email, browse the net or play one of his games. When I cry they are all right here to comfort me. Piled on my lap and at my feet, they kiss away my tears and often cry right along with me. My pain is their pain. I cannot even begin to fathom what it would be like if we had children instead of dogs…