Who "We" Are...

Posted by a fellow widow, felt it was blog worthy!

We are women left.
We experienced the best of times; The worst of times. And survived.
We discovered the meaning of life — Nothing like the loss of a spouse to wake us up to that.
We gained some; We lost some — Friends and pounds.
We had friends run out on us. We understood they just couldn’t take it. At least, we tried to.
We lost appetites, and we lost weight. And in the spirit of true friendship, we watched true friends reappear, and the pounds.
We discovered life as a widow is different than being married, but trying to explain it to anyone is like describing the color orange to a blind man. We know it’s best to change the subject. We train our eyes to look away.
We spend endless sleepless nights pondering the future. We wonder — Can we meet this months mortgage payment, next months electric bill. Even if we know we are able, we worry, What if?
We daydream — Consider moving to an island someplace in the South Pacific; sailing off into the horizon; peddling into traffic on a bicycle, motoring cross-country on a motorcycle, blazing a trail on horseback. We contemplate running away every minute of every day. We will do anything to escape the pain, but we dont. Because we know, deep inside, there is no place to run away to.
We contemplate entering the convent. We think, Maybe there is peace there.
Every morning, we get out of bed. And we remember — Hes gone. Hes not coming back.
Every evening, we turn out the light. And we remember — Hes gone. Hes not coming back.
We love our sons, our daughters; We love your sons, your daughters. Heck, we love everyone! We love grandkids, most especially our own.
We eat meals standing up, usually over the kitchen sink.
We eat cold pasta for breakfast out of a container. We use our fingers. We think, Why dirty a fork?
We traded lacy lingerie for flannel pajamas; silk robes for cotton terry cloth, and candlelight dinners for an open refrigerator door.
We identify red wires, white wires, and yellow wires inside a gem box in a wall when the ceiling fan switch in the master bedroom doesnt work. And we fix it.
We know which circuit breaker shuts the current in every room of the house; when to change the battery in the smoke detector; how to plunge a stopped toilet; how to snake a clogged drain.
We keep a supply of Draino under every sink in the house, because we swear to God we'll never let that happen again!
We know where the water main is; what number to call for the garage door repairman, and when to use it.
We know how to read a tire gauge, check the oil, change a flat.
We rake leaves, we hoe peas, we plant corn, tomatoes, and celery. We reap the harvest. And we cook and eat it, too.
We paint the house; Outside and in.
We tile the bathroom; grout it, too.
We know how to wash a floor on hands and knees.
We cry out loud when no one is looking. And don�t care if they are.
We are strong; we are weak.
We are big; we are small.
We are tall; we are short.
We are every color in the rainbow, different sizes, different shapes.
We are different; we are same.
We've been congratulated, applauded, patted on the back, hugged, French kissed, mentored, adored, and loved by the best.
We have loved and lost; buried and mourned.
If getting through a day without Him by our sides was an Olympic event, a role in a motion picture, a horse race at Hialeah, we'd own a Tony, an Emmy, an Oscar, and our hand prints and footprints would be stamped in a sidewalk outside a Chinese Restaurant on Hollywood and Vine. And the world would know us by the giant horseshoe of red and white carnations hanging around our necks.
We've made sense of the senseless, discovered the meaning of grief — insanity gone greased and wild. And, we've learned life's valuable lesson: When you lose a spouse, life goes on.
We remind the world that love is never having to say goodbye.

Congratulations, Widows! Take a bow.

And then the light went on!

I am not sure what has changed. Maybe it was all the prayer and reflection, maybe it is Mike giving me clarity? Maybe my brain has been able to heal from some of the trauma? But for the first time since Mike died, I am starting to feel strangely normal again. I have come to the realization that I do not have a Scarlett Letter after all!

Things are still scary as hell. I have no clue if they will work out. But I just see no reason to stress out over it anymore. Que Sera, Sera! That is my new motto. My husband died, I really can't think of anything worse than that. And well, I am getting through it one day at a time. What do I really have to fear when I have already lived my worst nightmare? Life is too short to worry about what might be. From now on I am living for the present, leaving the pain of the past behind, and not worrying about the future. Because if I have learned anything through all this, it is that sometimes there is no future to worry about anyway!

Not all shoes are the same.

One of the things that really has been bothering me lately, is people whom I am sure mean well, trying to tell me how I should be reacting or feeling. Unless someone has experienced watching their spouse drop dead in front of them, no matter how much they try to relate (be it an illness, the death of a family member, or a divorce) they cannot fully understand exactly what I am going through. Just as I cannot fully understand what they went through. I realize that it is only human nature to try and relate one's tragic experiences to that of another in hopes of making a connection. But ultimately everyone's experience is different, and everyone handles things in their own time and in their own way. What works for one person may have no meaning whatsoever for another.

It's sure as hell not the Hokey Pokey!

I lost my best friend in the entire world. I lost the only person in my life who loved me unconditionally. I lost the one person who made me feel safe. The only person I could count on no matter what.

It is not about living comfortably at all, I could care less if I am poor. It is about watching the other half of you die on your bedroom floor and reliving it multiple times a day. It is about the loneliness, sadness, and sheer terror.

It is about losing control of everything. Knowing that at any moment I am on the verge of mentally and emotionally breaking down to the point of needing hospitalization.

Its about being overwhelmed. I can barely take care of my own basic needs (I set alarms to remember to eat, drink, and even use the bathroom). And somehow people think I am supposed to be able to pull it together, be an adult, and take care of all the estate bullshit? I am sorry but I am just not capable right now. I am not being dramatic, and I am not over-reacting. This is my reality.

Maybe it is that people are used to me being the strong one? Or perhaps they just do not want to let themselves see how badly I am really doing? I am a f*cking mess! And it seems that no one really notices. Everyone tells me I will get through this, and sure I will one way or another... But right now I am drowning in water that just keeps getting deeper and deeper. Until the water level recedes there is no way to get any oxygen. Just thinking about the oxygen at the surface will not sustain me... I need to actually breathe!

Downward Spiral

My life is so out of control. It feels as if I am chained to a Tilt-a-Whirl type ride that wont stop. I am unable to accomplish anything that has to do with Mike's death. I just cannot face it. I cannot deal with all the legalities, paperwork, and phone calls. The thought of even making a phone call and looking at paperwork sends me into a panic attack. I just keep distracting myself to save my sanity. I am so close to breaking right now.

The thought of death is so welcoming. Every night as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, I pray that I wont wake up. Every headache I get comes with the hopes that I have an aneurysm. I just want to be done. I don't want to deal with this anymore. There is no way that I would ever harm myself, because no matter what one believes, I really think that there has to repercussions for terminating one's life before it is their time. I may think that my life is horrible now, but the fear of an even more terrifying eternity keeps me from doing anything stupid.

I would love to go into a coma for a year and let everyone else take care of all this bullshit for me. I just can't do this. I cannot deal with my life. I need a fresh start. I am not strong enough to get through this.

I was coping so well, till I found out how much I am going to lose. Haven't I lost enough already? I am such a mess and it seems that no one really gets how screwed up in the head I really am right now. Everyone is treating me like the level-headed competent woman I used to me. I wish they would realize that I am nothing more than a scared child who can not come out from under her blankets and face the world. I am totally incapable of managing my own affairs right now.

Hell, the only thing I am capable of is distracting myself, crying, and having anxiety attacks...

Something has got to give!

Everyday is a struggle and harder than the last it seems. I just want to move on with my life, but I am stuck here in limbo. Just when I think things can't possibly get any worse and they have to start looking up, they find a way to get worse.

It looks as if I am going to lose everything Mike and I had. I cannot believe that before my 30th birthday my entire life is being taken away. I am going to have to start over from scratch all alone. I will have nothing. I just don't understand why I have to go through all this. When will it be enough, how much more till I have paid my toll?

I understand that it was Mike's time to go. But why could it not have been just 2 hours later and not at home leaving me alone and helpless preforming CPR waiting for the paramedics knowing that is was just in vain. Why couldn't I have just been able to give him a kiss goodbye, tell him that I love him, and then get a call that he had died? I could cope with the loss, as hard as it is, I know I could do it. But the flashbacks of his death haunt me. The look of fear in his eyes as he realized he was dying and knowing that there was nothing I could do, the taste of his blood in my mouth and the burn of my arms as I performed CPR, seeing him lying there dead with the same look of terror in his eyes, these are things that I cannot shake.

Grief, PTSD, and anxiety seem to rule my life. And just when I think I am getting a handle on one of these factors, something happens to trigger another. The grief, that is manageable. The PTSD is debilitating, it causes my anxiety to sky-rocket. I cannot function as a productive member of society. I zone out for hours on end when left to my own devices and the anxiety attacks are paralyzing.

I just wish there was a restart button on my life...

Everything Happens for a Reason...

I have always lived with the belief that everything happens for a reason and the bad things you endure give you knowledge and stregnth to help others in similar situations down the road. It is this belief that keeps me going when the times get tough. And strangely enough, it has always held true.

While I was in Vegas I found out that one of my friends also lost her husband. She had been with him since they were 14, and she is only 22. I thought being widowed at 29 was young, but 22? Wow!

As horrible as it is to lose your spouse at a young age, I have found that it is important to find others in the same situation. As great as it is to join support groups, these people are really just strangers. Sure, eventually we get to know each other, but the basis of our relationship is our loss. Our friendship is more circumstantial as opposed to personal.

To have a personal relationship with someone before such unfortunate circumstances bring you closer together is such a godsend. When Kandice shares her thoughts and feelings it truly validates what I had/am feeling. It makes me see that I am not alone or crazy. To have someone I can relate to on such a deep level that no one else can possibly comprehend is amasing. And the fact that I am just a tiny step ahead of Kandice on her journey gives Mike's death some sort of meaning. Knowing that I am able to warn her of the some of the potholes and obstacles I come across is a blessing because I know that this is not all in vain.