Arguments with other readers will not be tolerated within my blog. If you have a problem with someone's comments please do not bring that drama here. I created this blog as an outlet for myself and a way to share my feelings and experiences with those who care.
I am just trying deal with my husband's death the best way that I can. Everyone grieves differently, and we all need to respect that. There are many people who loved my Michael and we are all dealing with his tragic death in our own way and in our own time.
Some of us have anger and resentment that he was taken too soon and we let that manifest in negative ways. Feelings will be hurt, misunderstandings will take place, and a shit storm will follow.
Some of us while we miss him with our whole beings, are unable to feel anger because of our spiritual/religious convictions. We are able to find comfort in the fact that he is in a much better place than this world. We find hope in knowing that one day we will be reunited again.
Ultimately, we all loved Michael. And although we cannot see eye to eye it is important to remember that we are all hurting. Much love to everyone who grieves Mike. Though we are walking down separate paths our destination remains the same.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Picking up the pieces...
Another sleepless night. Thoughts running through my head. I wish there were a way for me to explain what I am feeling where people could actually "get it". I realize that I am different. That I do not have the same thought processes as most people. I know that no matter how hard I try no one will truly get why I do the things I do, or say the things I say.
I have experienced a lot in my 29 years on this earth. And I think it is because of how much I have experienced that I am "different". When I feel something I experience raw emotion. I feel it with my whole being, it hits me hard like a tsunami. There is no warning and the wave is all consuming. If I am strong enough to get through the flood the water will recede and the reconstruction must begin. Unfortunately, my life has been one series of unfortunate events after another. If I dwell on the past I will never get to experience the joys of the present because the future always seems to hold more heartache.
Mike got it. He was the one person on this earth who understood me. There is no doubt that he was my soulmate. And now that he is gone I almost feel like an alien. Our relationship may have seemed odd to most people. But it made sense to us! We were happy and loved each other, and that is all that matters in the end. He got me, and I got him. And that is really what true love it all about!
So here I am alone to pick up the pieces after his death. I feel as if I am being judged. It seems that when I was feeling weak, it was too weak and people thought I was over-reacting. And now that I am feeling stronger, people think I am moving forward too quickly and that I am not fully letting myself grieve.
I just wish that people could understand me the way Mike did. I wish that there was a way for them to see what Mike saw. I wish they could understand that though I may not make any sense to them, my grieving process makes total sense to me and to the one I am grieving. In my heart I know that Mike still gets it and he is with me every step of the way. And in the end I guess that is all that really matters.
I have experienced a lot in my 29 years on this earth. And I think it is because of how much I have experienced that I am "different". When I feel something I experience raw emotion. I feel it with my whole being, it hits me hard like a tsunami. There is no warning and the wave is all consuming. If I am strong enough to get through the flood the water will recede and the reconstruction must begin. Unfortunately, my life has been one series of unfortunate events after another. If I dwell on the past I will never get to experience the joys of the present because the future always seems to hold more heartache.
Mike got it. He was the one person on this earth who understood me. There is no doubt that he was my soulmate. And now that he is gone I almost feel like an alien. Our relationship may have seemed odd to most people. But it made sense to us! We were happy and loved each other, and that is all that matters in the end. He got me, and I got him. And that is really what true love it all about!
So here I am alone to pick up the pieces after his death. I feel as if I am being judged. It seems that when I was feeling weak, it was too weak and people thought I was over-reacting. And now that I am feeling stronger, people think I am moving forward too quickly and that I am not fully letting myself grieve.
I just wish that people could understand me the way Mike did. I wish that there was a way for them to see what Mike saw. I wish they could understand that though I may not make any sense to them, my grieving process makes total sense to me and to the one I am grieving. In my heart I know that Mike still gets it and he is with me every step of the way. And in the end I guess that is all that really matters.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
He still speaks to me...
Mike keeps sending me very blunt messages, that I cannot ignore. For example we ate Chinese a lot, and while cleaning out his pockets of his coats about 2 weeks ago I kept finding fortunes.
This was the first one I found:
-Married couples tell each other a thousand things without speech.
Followed by:
-The time is right to make new friends.
-Something you lost will soon turn up.
-Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome.
-Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.
-Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think.
-If you must play, decide on three things at the start: the rules of he game, the stakes, and the quitting time.
-One cannot refuse to eat just because there is a chance of being choked.
-You think you lost your horse? Who knows, he may bring a whole herd back to you someday.
Strange, I know...
This was the first one I found:
-Married couples tell each other a thousand things without speech.
Followed by:
-The time is right to make new friends.
-Something you lost will soon turn up.
-Be mischievous and you will not be lonesome.
-Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.
-Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think.
-If you must play, decide on three things at the start: the rules of he game, the stakes, and the quitting time.
-One cannot refuse to eat just because there is a chance of being choked.
-You think you lost your horse? Who knows, he may bring a whole herd back to you someday.
Strange, I know...
Monday, June 29, 2009
Who "We" Are...
Posted by a fellow widow, felt it was blog worthy!
We are women left.
We experienced the best of times; The worst of times. And survived.
We discovered the meaning of life — Nothing like the loss of a spouse to wake us up to that.
We gained some; We lost some — Friends and pounds.
We had friends run out on us. We understood they just couldn’t take it. At least, we tried to.
We lost appetites, and we lost weight. And in the spirit of true friendship, we watched true friends reappear, and the pounds.
We discovered life as a widow is different than being married, but trying to explain it to anyone is like describing the color orange to a blind man. We know it’s best to change the subject. We train our eyes to look away.
We spend endless sleepless nights pondering the future. We wonder — Can we meet this months mortgage payment, next months electric bill. Even if we know we are able, we worry, What if?
We daydream — Consider moving to an island someplace in the South Pacific; sailing off into the horizon; peddling into traffic on a bicycle, motoring cross-country on a motorcycle, blazing a trail on horseback. We contemplate running away every minute of every day. We will do anything to escape the pain, but we dont. Because we know, deep inside, there is no place to run away to.
We contemplate entering the convent. We think, Maybe there is peace there.
Every morning, we get out of bed. And we remember — Hes gone. Hes not coming back.
Every evening, we turn out the light. And we remember — Hes gone. Hes not coming back.
We love our sons, our daughters; We love your sons, your daughters. Heck, we love everyone! We love grandkids, most especially our own.
We eat meals standing up, usually over the kitchen sink.
We eat cold pasta for breakfast out of a container. We use our fingers. We think, Why dirty a fork?
We traded lacy lingerie for flannel pajamas; silk robes for cotton terry cloth, and candlelight dinners for an open refrigerator door.
We identify red wires, white wires, and yellow wires inside a gem box in a wall when the ceiling fan switch in the master bedroom doesnt work. And we fix it.
We know which circuit breaker shuts the current in every room of the house; when to change the battery in the smoke detector; how to plunge a stopped toilet; how to snake a clogged drain.
We keep a supply of Draino under every sink in the house, because we swear to God we'll never let that happen again!
We know where the water main is; what number to call for the garage door repairman, and when to use it.
We know how to read a tire gauge, check the oil, change a flat.
We rake leaves, we hoe peas, we plant corn, tomatoes, and celery. We reap the harvest. And we cook and eat it, too.
We paint the house; Outside and in.
We tile the bathroom; grout it, too.
We know how to wash a floor on hands and knees.
We cry out loud when no one is looking. And don�t care if they are.
We are strong; we are weak.
We are big; we are small.
We are tall; we are short.
We are every color in the rainbow, different sizes, different shapes.
We are different; we are same.
We've been congratulated, applauded, patted on the back, hugged, French kissed, mentored, adored, and loved by the best.
We have loved and lost; buried and mourned.
If getting through a day without Him by our sides was an Olympic event, a role in a motion picture, a horse race at Hialeah, we'd own a Tony, an Emmy, an Oscar, and our hand prints and footprints would be stamped in a sidewalk outside a Chinese Restaurant on Hollywood and Vine. And the world would know us by the giant horseshoe of red and white carnations hanging around our necks.
We've made sense of the senseless, discovered the meaning of grief — insanity gone greased and wild. And, we've learned life's valuable lesson: When you lose a spouse, life goes on.
We remind the world that love is never having to say goodbye.
Congratulations, Widows! Take a bow.
We are women left.
We experienced the best of times; The worst of times. And survived.
We discovered the meaning of life — Nothing like the loss of a spouse to wake us up to that.
We gained some; We lost some — Friends and pounds.
We had friends run out on us. We understood they just couldn’t take it. At least, we tried to.
We lost appetites, and we lost weight. And in the spirit of true friendship, we watched true friends reappear, and the pounds.
We discovered life as a widow is different than being married, but trying to explain it to anyone is like describing the color orange to a blind man. We know it’s best to change the subject. We train our eyes to look away.
We spend endless sleepless nights pondering the future. We wonder — Can we meet this months mortgage payment, next months electric bill. Even if we know we are able, we worry, What if?
We daydream — Consider moving to an island someplace in the South Pacific; sailing off into the horizon; peddling into traffic on a bicycle, motoring cross-country on a motorcycle, blazing a trail on horseback. We contemplate running away every minute of every day. We will do anything to escape the pain, but we dont. Because we know, deep inside, there is no place to run away to.
We contemplate entering the convent. We think, Maybe there is peace there.
Every morning, we get out of bed. And we remember — Hes gone. Hes not coming back.
Every evening, we turn out the light. And we remember — Hes gone. Hes not coming back.
We love our sons, our daughters; We love your sons, your daughters. Heck, we love everyone! We love grandkids, most especially our own.
We eat meals standing up, usually over the kitchen sink.
We eat cold pasta for breakfast out of a container. We use our fingers. We think, Why dirty a fork?
We traded lacy lingerie for flannel pajamas; silk robes for cotton terry cloth, and candlelight dinners for an open refrigerator door.
We identify red wires, white wires, and yellow wires inside a gem box in a wall when the ceiling fan switch in the master bedroom doesnt work. And we fix it.
We know which circuit breaker shuts the current in every room of the house; when to change the battery in the smoke detector; how to plunge a stopped toilet; how to snake a clogged drain.
We keep a supply of Draino under every sink in the house, because we swear to God we'll never let that happen again!
We know where the water main is; what number to call for the garage door repairman, and when to use it.
We know how to read a tire gauge, check the oil, change a flat.
We rake leaves, we hoe peas, we plant corn, tomatoes, and celery. We reap the harvest. And we cook and eat it, too.
We paint the house; Outside and in.
We tile the bathroom; grout it, too.
We know how to wash a floor on hands and knees.
We cry out loud when no one is looking. And don�t care if they are.
We are strong; we are weak.
We are big; we are small.
We are tall; we are short.
We are every color in the rainbow, different sizes, different shapes.
We are different; we are same.
We've been congratulated, applauded, patted on the back, hugged, French kissed, mentored, adored, and loved by the best.
We have loved and lost; buried and mourned.
If getting through a day without Him by our sides was an Olympic event, a role in a motion picture, a horse race at Hialeah, we'd own a Tony, an Emmy, an Oscar, and our hand prints and footprints would be stamped in a sidewalk outside a Chinese Restaurant on Hollywood and Vine. And the world would know us by the giant horseshoe of red and white carnations hanging around our necks.
We've made sense of the senseless, discovered the meaning of grief — insanity gone greased and wild. And, we've learned life's valuable lesson: When you lose a spouse, life goes on.
We remind the world that love is never having to say goodbye.
Congratulations, Widows! Take a bow.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
And then the light went on!
I am not sure what has changed. Maybe it was all the prayer and reflection, maybe it is Mike giving me clarity? Maybe my brain has been able to heal from some of the trauma? But for the first time since Mike died, I am starting to feel strangely normal again. I have come to the realization that I do not have a Scarlett Letter after all!
Things are still scary as hell. I have no clue if they will work out. But I just see no reason to stress out over it anymore. Que Sera, Sera! That is my new motto. My husband died, I really can't think of anything worse than that. And well, I am getting through it one day at a time. What do I really have to fear when I have already lived my worst nightmare? Life is too short to worry about what might be. From now on I am living for the present, leaving the pain of the past behind, and not worrying about the future. Because if I have learned anything through all this, it is that sometimes there is no future to worry about anyway!
Things are still scary as hell. I have no clue if they will work out. But I just see no reason to stress out over it anymore. Que Sera, Sera! That is my new motto. My husband died, I really can't think of anything worse than that. And well, I am getting through it one day at a time. What do I really have to fear when I have already lived my worst nightmare? Life is too short to worry about what might be. From now on I am living for the present, leaving the pain of the past behind, and not worrying about the future. Because if I have learned anything through all this, it is that sometimes there is no future to worry about anyway!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Not all shoes are the same.
One of the things that really has been bothering me lately, is people whom I am sure mean well, trying to tell me how I should be reacting or feeling. Unless someone has experienced watching their spouse drop dead in front of them, no matter how much they try to relate (be it an illness, the death of a family member, or a divorce) they cannot fully understand exactly what I am going through. Just as I cannot fully understand what they went through. I realize that it is only human nature to try and relate one's tragic experiences to that of another in hopes of making a connection. But ultimately everyone's experience is different, and everyone handles things in their own time and in their own way. What works for one person may have no meaning whatsoever for another.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
It's sure as hell not the Hokey Pokey!
I lost my best friend in the entire world. I lost the only person in my life who loved me unconditionally. I lost the one person who made me feel safe. The only person I could count on no matter what.
It is not about living comfortably at all, I could care less if I am poor. It is about watching the other half of you die on your bedroom floor and reliving it multiple times a day. It is about the loneliness, sadness, and sheer terror.
It is about losing control of everything. Knowing that at any moment I am on the verge of mentally and emotionally breaking down to the point of needing hospitalization.
Its about being overwhelmed. I can barely take care of my own basic needs (I set alarms to remember to eat, drink, and even use the bathroom). And somehow people think I am supposed to be able to pull it together, be an adult, and take care of all the estate bullshit? I am sorry but I am just not capable right now. I am not being dramatic, and I am not over-reacting. This is my reality.
Maybe it is that people are used to me being the strong one? Or perhaps they just do not want to let themselves see how badly I am really doing? I am a f*cking mess! And it seems that no one really notices. Everyone tells me I will get through this, and sure I will one way or another... But right now I am drowning in water that just keeps getting deeper and deeper. Until the water level recedes there is no way to get any oxygen. Just thinking about the oxygen at the surface will not sustain me... I need to actually breathe!
It is not about living comfortably at all, I could care less if I am poor. It is about watching the other half of you die on your bedroom floor and reliving it multiple times a day. It is about the loneliness, sadness, and sheer terror.
It is about losing control of everything. Knowing that at any moment I am on the verge of mentally and emotionally breaking down to the point of needing hospitalization.
Its about being overwhelmed. I can barely take care of my own basic needs (I set alarms to remember to eat, drink, and even use the bathroom). And somehow people think I am supposed to be able to pull it together, be an adult, and take care of all the estate bullshit? I am sorry but I am just not capable right now. I am not being dramatic, and I am not over-reacting. This is my reality.
Maybe it is that people are used to me being the strong one? Or perhaps they just do not want to let themselves see how badly I am really doing? I am a f*cking mess! And it seems that no one really notices. Everyone tells me I will get through this, and sure I will one way or another... But right now I am drowning in water that just keeps getting deeper and deeper. Until the water level recedes there is no way to get any oxygen. Just thinking about the oxygen at the surface will not sustain me... I need to actually breathe!
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